When life doesn’t get better

Today I want to talk about how my life is. I haven’t posted like this for a while because I have been so wrapped up in holding things together.

I have been to m CBT each week for the last four weeks. I am still on my meds. I am still sending my CV out for work and getting nothing back. I am still doodling and creating colouring books in the hope that something will come my way.

The reason I want to create this post is to let you know how I am coping with my depression and all the life changes.

The answer is: not very well. I spend most of my days battling my depression and trying not to call my son asking him to come and rescue me from myself. I battle telling my girlfriend that I want to be on my own and away from everyone. I have a daily battle with the feelings of hopelessness, uselessness, worthless and general loathing of myself.

I look at other peoples work and think that they are so much better then me. “How come everything I do is garbage?”, is a thought I have on my mind all the time. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I do continue, I will be an inspiration to my son and maybe the few people around me who care.

I know that the more I illustrate the better I will become and hopefully the more confidence I will have.

The travesty of this situation is, my art is what has always kept me going and helped me through, so to have these mental issues on top to deal with, is making it more and more difficult to stay positive in my daily life through my art.

I wish I didn’t have to make money using my art, but it’s the only thing I can think of doing while staying sane at the same time.

Every knock-back or set-back is taking it’s toll.

But I am NOT giving in. I know deep down that the struggles today will be memories of challenges in the future. I hope that makes sense. I could have used a cliche but I prefer to use my own words and feelings.