I just don’t have the energy

I’ve had a strange few of days. Being in a new relationship is definitely making me re-think who I truly am. I’m thinking so much, I am tired all time. It’s strange! I don’t mind at all because I am learning more about myself, and my place in this world, than I ever have before. I put it down to age, maturity and education, but my partner says it’s because of how we feel about each other.

To better understand myself and make sense of things, I have started writing notes on my phone when a situation occurs. Here a few from last week …..

I sit waiting for you to to get test hoping you don’t wear something that will bring attention to us. I just want to hide most of the time.

I’ve never felt the need to be needed or loved before now. 

Every day I hope for a lot less darkness and little more sunshine….

Some of the things I write don’t make too much sense in the grand scheme of my life, but are little snippets of how I feel daily. My partner did some research on what could be the deeper seeded issue and found articles which talked about “Rapid Cycling”.

“Rapid cycling is a pattern of frequent, distinct episodes in bipolar disorder. In rapid cycling, a person with the disorder experiences four or more episodes of mania or depression in one year.”

I had never heard of it, but it seems to fit my condition. But with me, it even seems more rapid than the description. I can change my mood within a minute. Going from rally happy to extremely sad within the blink of an eye. Something simple can trigger an extreme episode of depression from nowhere and I just want to be in a dark room listening to the rain with my head and eyes clothes. I just want to bury my head. Sometimes I want to cut my head off.

I get so tired, I just want to sleep all the time. I don’t have the energy to think. Which can be ok, when you are on your own, but not when you are in a relationship with someone.

The rapid cycling affects most situations and I spend most of my time trying to beat it down and not letting my partner know what’s going on in my head.

I will keep at it and keep trying to overcome my daily battles with depression and rapid cycling. I will keep you posted.