Work and my illness

I was at a real low. No work. Relying on my partner for food and a roof over my head.

I wanted some self respect back.

I applied for all kinds of jobs.

170 plus job applications to Jobs I had been doing all my career and nothing. No interviews or even a sniff of work.

So I started applying for casual work.

I got a great job with Royal Mail sorting mail. I absolutely loved it. But the contact ended.

I then applied for stores and got a job at HB.

I got a chance at an interview and smashed it. I got a induction date. I was so excited that someone was giving me the opportunity.

I went for the induction because I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself.

I did the first day of training and hated every minute.

Smile to the customers. Make sure the shelves are clean. Make sure the product on the top shelf is facing forward and the price label is centred.

What kind of Orwellian bullshit has I got my self into?

I am a creative person and I want to create. How can I thrive and be true myself under those circumstances.

There a lots of moments in my day where I have to back up my happy moments with actions.

Those moments when I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Those moments when I feel like a failure and that no one should be with me.

I’m in a vicious cycle. I want to leave because it will be better for my girlfriend. But I don’t want to hurt her. But I also don’t want to hurt our sons.

None of my plans this year have worked out. I promised so much and delivered nothing. My illness has gotten worse and everything I try just makes me more ill because I feel useless. What do I do and where do I go?

I just feel overwhelmed. I have so much I want to do and my head is spinning with it all.

I want to be successful in my own way. Just having enough to pay for the van and eating. But sharing my life and experience with people.

It seems that all I do is talk and nothing happens.

I am working really hard to make something of my life and my art, but seem to be going round in circles.

I just want to find a place in this craziness for myself and my mental health.

My mental health is like a sleeping monster. You dare not wake it because it will rip your head off, chew it and spit out the bones. But it protects you from anyone else getting near too. So nothing can hurt you. All you have to do is tell them about it.

My mental mantas health makes me look like a liar. I say what I feel, hope for and want but nothing happens and it stops me in my tracks. People on the outside see failure, lies and deceit.